Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
