There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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