My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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