So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
