The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
