i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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