I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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