She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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