So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
