and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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