Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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