my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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