DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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