They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
