I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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