When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
