Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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