I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
