we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just threw up on my dentist
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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