theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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