Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
