Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
4 words: hood of his car
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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