So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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