Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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