I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
