2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
