woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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