i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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