we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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