Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
