what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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