dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
