I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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