god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
