How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
