dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Let's get the cat blown out
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
