I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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