I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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