The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
