I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
