I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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