i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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