So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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