I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
