I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
