Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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