I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
