we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
