ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
