Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
