Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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