Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
